What is a "Real" Mother?

A friend of mine posed a question to community I am part of that really caught my attention. "What is a 'real' mother?" she asked.

Seeing the word "real" juxtaposed next to the word "mother" was very thought provoking. What makes a mother a mother anyhow? Some mothers conceive, carry and give birth to their children. Some mothers are unable to to conceive, carry or give birth, yet are 100% there once a child becomes their own. Mothering is very much a feminine quality. Yet, does one need to be female to mother another being? When my 7 1/2 year old former feral gray male cat, Toss, licks and nurtures my other cats, is it really much different than when one of the female cats licks and nurtures them? And when as a 4 month old kitten, Scarlett, my Maine Coon cat, nurtured and embraced tiny 2 month old Prayer, my chocolate point Siamese cat, was there truly any difference between Scarlett's attention and Prayer's now distant mother?

Kittens Cats

I found myself going to a place of deep reflection for several days, looking at my own experience of mothering. One could say that there are maternal qualities in the healing work I do: creating a safe space, being fully present to those I work with, forming a deep, committed, long-term bond where my energies are directed towards the healing, growth and self-fulfillment of those I work with, creating a sense of trust and intimacy so that I can truly see and appreciate another person from the soul level up.... Are these not some of the qualities I also bring to my own son, though not with the limitations or boundaries of my professional role?

What is a "Real" Mother?

Did I have to have a child to be a "real" mother? Or was I always a "real" mother just waiting to fully express myself with a child? And at some level, wasn't I always carrying my son's soul and spirit in my heart, long before I met his father, became pregnant, carried him in my womb, gave birth and began my "official" journey with him in this world?

Asking the question "what is a 'real' mother" evokes all kinds of questions, thoughts and reflections. In my heart of hearts, I believe mothering is an innate capacity. It is both an innate human capacity, and an innate capacity I see in other animals as well. It is so deep and so primal, there is an archetypal energy of mothering. It is a universal, spiritual force that allows mothers of all kinds to feel a common bond. It is so deep, that many a mother animal will do anything in her power for the life of her child. If her child is hurt, ailing or threatened, a mother's deepest passion, power and protective qualities will rise up and out of her.

The mothering capacity includes the feminine energy-- being receptive, holding and containing a growing organism, be it in-utero, in arms, at home or in one's heart. Cultivating, nurturing, stewarding, nourishing-- emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, soulfully--are all part of a mother's gift to her child.

Yet many people in our culture never experience these qualities of mothering. Sadly, many mothers are wounded, and therefore frozen, blocked or undeveloped in some of these primal maternal qualities. A mother may never have received real mothering from her own mother...or anyone. So, she is unable to fully presence, nurture, hold or care for her child. One can only give what one has experienced, and therefore knows to give.

Yet in other cultures, maternal qualities need not be obtained only from one's birth mother or adoptive mother. In The Continuum Concept, author Jean Liedloff writes about the people of the Amazon rainforest where a maternal energy and knowledge pervades all who live in the indigenous culture she visited. Even young children there were knowledgeable and comfortable with the care and nurturing of babies--perhaps more so than many adults in our western world! It was because there was a deep connection that was unbroken in that culture...a deep connection with the organic unfoldment of life..a sense of the natural progression through which a baby developed.

So one would just know to hold a baby in arms until the baby gave the signal to be put down. And one carried the baby as one went about the activities of daily life, so the baby was always safe, held and in connection until the baby was ready not to be. And when the baby wanted to move forth and walk, there was the space to move forth and walk and the watchful eye of those who knew how to balance space and safe present attention.

What an experience for the maternal skills and qualities to be available in men and women, boys and girls, children and adults, family and community! Is it any wonder that children raised in this environment felt a deep, uninterrupted connection with the continuum of life? Many qualities of "real" mothering were internalized by all in that culture, and men, women, children and adults ALL had the ability to bring the qualities of real mothering forth to the next generation.

The sense of the universal mother is more deeply embraced and palpable in other non-western cultures. I had lunch with a colleague of mine who was a foster parent for Sudanese children. She described how when her kids went to gatherings with other Sudanese, there was a wonderful way the whole community would watch the kids. Their safety would be assured--not even in question. There was a way that everyone there had a sense of attention to and responsibility for each and every child, and not in the isolated, burdened, separated way westerners view parents, kids and kids in community.

Perhaps these non-western cultures have a deeper sense of Gaia, the earth goddess, and the earth energy. And with that sense of Gaia comes a connection to and respect for other beings--human and non-human.

Am I being any less of a "real" mother when I take home and care for a new kitten than a human child? Is there really much difference in the skills, qualities and essence I bring to a feral animal I wish to help become safe enough to come off the streets of life, and a human being who comes to me for sanctuary, safety, healing and acceptance?

Is being a "real" mother mostly about having an opening in the depth of the soul, so that children (and others) feel the holding, the love, the nurturing, the respect for their uniqueness of being and their organic unfolding growth process that comes from this depth of connection?

Many of us still crave this experience of "real" mothering into adulthood and throughout the course of our lives. And many of us yearn to give the energy of mothering abundantly and fluidly, just as we inhale and exhale.

Mothering and being mothered are essential, soul deep experiences at the very root of being human, of being a living, breathing organism. May we find ways to bring this primal and essential energy to ourselves and our loved ones, so that we can grow deep roots and strong branches to reach into the world, and contribute to the evolution of life and love.

What is a "Real" Mother?